[colorful rounded image of the Head of a GNU]

I just heard this one from my brother.  Don't know if it's been posted
already, but here goes:

Two lawyers are sitting at a table in a restaurant <use any favorite
location here> and they see a very attractive woman walk by.

The first lawyer turns to the second and says, " Boy, would I like
to screw her!"

The other lawyer pauses for a second, and responds, "Oh Yeah? Out of
From the official list of usenet lawyer jokes.
I think the owner of this list should post them again............

But there are good lawyer stories. Here is a bit of Hollywood Trivia.

During the making of the moview "Jaws", Steven Spielburgs first mega-hit,
the special effects crew named the mechanical 25 foot sharks "Bruce",
after Spielburgs lawyer. The runing joke was, "Why won't a shark eat a
lawyer?  Proffesional Courtesy".
Lemme see. What do you have if you have 6 lawyers buried up to their necks
in pig shit?

Not enough pig shit.

Q && A form jokes

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
   in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q:  Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.  Good!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q.  If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A.  It might be your bicycle.

Q. What do you get when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A. Nothing, there are some things that even a pig won't do.

Longer jokes:

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".

The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4.  Let me run those
figures through my spreadsheet one more time."

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice,
"How much do you want it to be?"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.  He sees a sign
remarking on the quality of proffesional brain offerred at this particular
brain store.  So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for <other generic proffesion> brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do all
day?"  Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."  "That's
wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"  Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet
and said, "My father is a mailman."  "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.
"What about your father, Billy?"  Billy proudly stood up and announced,
"My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."  The teacher was aghast and
promptly changed the subject to geography.  Later that day she went to
Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father answered the door.  The
teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney.  How can I explain a thing
like that to a seven-year-old?"
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.  To his dismay, there were
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.  To his
surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line
to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.  Then St. Peter and one
of his assis- tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the
front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.  The lawyer
said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed
your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-
scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice,
"Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20
more of them."
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
thief go first, and the executioner follow."
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
had solved her legal troubles.  "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever
since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to
that question."
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly
station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides
to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a
huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete
announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until
the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting
a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight
once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear
more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with
Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the
Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the
deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I,
spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"

Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow,
this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many
times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can
get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because
he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial,
the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who
had presided at the hearing.  "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a
warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine."  "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won
your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?"  "Well, your
honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he
went and took the car I stole."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of
your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.  "If I
wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial.  It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury
would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall
looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty.  He found a dozen
lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the
judge back to the courtroom.  The trial was over in about 10 minutes and
it was very clear that the defendent was guilty.  The jury went into the
jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone

After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent
the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict?  Hell, they're still doing
nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
grandmother.  On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross
the Atlantic Ocean.  After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we
better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".  Harry lets out
some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the
cloud cover.  George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that
guy on the ground".  So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell
us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a
balloon, 100 feet up in the air".  George turns to Harry and says "That
man must be a lawyer".  And Harry says "How can you tell?".  George says
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".

That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at
this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the
innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged
his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.  There sat his
lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"  he
cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and
the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up
all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a
bastard in the family than a lawyer."
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once
and for all.

When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're
going to find a lawyer?"
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred
dollar bill.  Who gets it?  The old drunk, of course, the other three are
mythological creatures.
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.  After he had made
his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter.  "In this state,
it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.  However, I
could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."

"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter.  "people will read it and
exclaim, "That's Strange!"
The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were
going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments.
Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged, and filed suit, but
the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1)  The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats.
    This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being
    conducted.  No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2)  Lawyers breed faster.

3)  Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies
    won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4)  There are some things even a rat won't do.  However, sometimes it very
    hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings.
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country,
to which he retreated for several weeks of the year.  Each summer, the
lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch
line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a
backwoods section of Maine.  On one particular occasion, he invited a
Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him.  The friend, eager to get a
freebee off a lawyer, agreed.  Well, they had a splendid time in the
country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.  Early one
morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick
berries for their morning breakfast.  As they went around the berry patch,
gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came
two huge Bears - a male and a female.  Well, the lawyer, seeing the two
bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky,
and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.  The lawyer ran
back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the
local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back
to the berry patch with the lawyer.  Sure enough, the two bears were still
there.  "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while
visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just
had to save his friend.  The sheriff looked at the bears, and without
batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told
you that the Czech was in the Male?"
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony.  Doctor Green
came over to see him.

"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
court when you accused me of malpractice."

"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
it be?"

"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."

"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"

"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."

"What are you talking about?"

"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."

"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."

"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"

"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."

"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why
were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.  Green: 'I've
treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.'
Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an Excedrin
headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "

"Why are you reading that to me?"

"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a
diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."

"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."

"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor.
I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."

"Then get me another doctor."

"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the
malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.  This is the
only place that I can practice."

"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally appeal
your case to a higher court."

"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a
kidney stone."

"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at

"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you
addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into
stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of
Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to
be in a lot of pain.' "

"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of

"I better check you out first."

"Don't check me out, just give the dope."

"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the
patient completely.  It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now.
Do you mind getting up on the scale?"

"What for?"

"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the
lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."

"I'm not going to sue you."

"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you
pass the kidney stone?"
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some
into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the
world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we
produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it
away..."  Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle
thru it. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins
to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world:
Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we
have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that,
he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is
quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws
the Lawyer through it...
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and
steals a roast.  Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right
to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"  The lawyer answers,

"Then you owe me $8.50.  Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50
[attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't
brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].

Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would
be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from
the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country
when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a
farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had
only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the
animals. The three quickly agreed.

The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the
beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom
door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a
pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a

The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem
with pigs.  However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the
bedrrom door sayint "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same
room as a cow! It's against my religion!"

The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had
no problem sleeping with animals.

In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow
Q:   How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A1:  Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.

A2:  It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

A3:  You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
     looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

A4:  Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
     party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and
     forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part
     (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result
     of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the
     lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging
     from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an
     area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning
     of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the
     party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the
     aforementioned agreement between the parties.  The aforementioned
     removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the
     following steps:

     1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
     elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or
     any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
     (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in
     a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable.

     2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light
     Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
     ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the
     option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a
     manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal

     3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the
     first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation
     of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").  This
     installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of
     the procedures described in step one of this self-same document,
     being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise
     direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

     NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
     the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons
     authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible
     revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save
one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
BMW, 4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted
island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his

1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they
   were guilty.

2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.

3) Overcharging fees to many clients.

4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
   controversial case.

And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case.  He admits all these
things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."  St.
Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see.  Once you gave a dime to a
panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy,
correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."  St.
Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and
tell him to go to hell."
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he
means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do
you serve lawyers here?".  "Sure do," replied the bartender.  "Good," said
the man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
I once saw a cute cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow.  One was
pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.


     1300.01   GENERAL

      1.  Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
     harvest attorneys.

      2.  Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.  The
     use of currency as bait is prohibited.

      3.  Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited.  If
     accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to
     nearest car wash.

      4.  It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
     machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

      5.  It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
     Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

      6.  It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW

      7.  It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
     prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

      8.  It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
     courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
     ambulances, or hospitals.

      9.  If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
     felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

     10.  Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
     inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

     11.  It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
     reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
     victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting


      1.  Yellow Bellied Sidewinder                     2
      2.  Two-faced Tort Feasor                         1
      3.  Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator               4
      4.  Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only)      3
      5.  Big-mouthed Pub Gut                           2
      6.  Honest Attorney                         EXTINCT
      7.  Cut-throat                                    2
      8.  Back-stabbing Whiner                          2
      9.  Brown-nosed Judge Kisser                      2
     10.  Silver-tongued Drug Defender        $100 BOUNTY
     11.  Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian                 7

Look, I'm tired of typing. Go buy the book: Larry Wilde, "The Ultimate
Lawyers Joke Book"  Bantam books. $2.95 (Canada $3.95).

|"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.       |
| Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx|

Other humor in the GNU Humor Collection.


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Updated: 8 Apr 2000 tower